4:15am – Mom comes into room and wakes me up with “Baby, you need to wake up.”
4:30am – Dad comes into room and yells, “Get up.”
4:32am – Dad comes into room and yells, “Get up.” and turns the light on. I pull cover over eyes.
4:33am – Dad comes into room and yells, “Get up.” and pulls covers off me. I put pillow over face.
4:36am – Dad comes into room and elbow drops onto my chest. I’m out of bed.
4:45am – I come to the realization that it’s 0445 and begin my complaining.
5:18am – Mom and Dad argue on whether or not Dad has time to shave. His argument: “We’re WAY ahead of schedule.”
5:50am – Hit the road.
5:53am – Dad and I have to switch spots because he can’t lean his chair back.
6:02am – Dad requests we play “Running with the Devil” because he told the story of when he was leaving Odessa, Texas when he heard the song….for the millionth time.
6:05am – Mom and Dad argue on how to drive.
6:18am – I do an interpretive dance to “Stairway to Heaven” in the back seat. Dad shakes head of disapproval.
7:03am – First rest stop. Dad thinks his knee is about to give out and thinks he needs a walker. Mom rushes him to go to the bathroom to get back on road. That leads to Dad asking “Why are we in such a big rush?”
7:11am – Dad starts the “Are we there yet?” every 5 seconds bit.
7:42am – Mom: “This guy is going slow just to be an ass. I can look at him and tell.”
7:58am – I realize my feet are cold because the air is blowing on my feet and not my face.
8:30am – Mom is surprised that I know words to country songs.
9:12am – Dad starts snoring in car. Mom pokes him to stop. Dad jumps up like something is wrong, realizes nothing is wrong, gives a dirty look to Mom, plops back down in chair.
9:13am – Dad continues snoring.
9:28am – Cross Texas-Louisiana border.
Mom: “Ugh. Louisiana.”
Dad: “We better stop to do some gambling.”
9:46am – Dad makes the observation that Freddie Mercury wrote a song about women with large derrières when he preferred men.
10:15am – Rest stop #2. Iowa, Louisiana. Eat McDonald’s. Mom complains on how cold it is in there.
11:03am – Mom sings “Brick House”
11:18am – Cross the swamps. “Schootim! Schootim!”
11:20am – Had dejavu about writing about crossing the swamps.
11:49am – Awoken from a nap to see us cross the Mississippi River into Baton Rogue only to say “Piss on Baton Rogue, LSU, and Les Miles. Gig em.”
12:12pm – Dad starts dancing to “Love Done Gone”
12:13pm – I make up a story that Billy Currington is a liberal and the dancing stops.
12:52pm – Mom and I list out all the things Dad doesn’t like to eat. The list includes: peanut butter, corn nuts, bugles, and whoppers.
1:03pm – Entire car breaks out and sings “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”
1:10pm – Smells like fish poop in the car.
1:16pm – Mom misses rest stop. Dad says that next rest stop isn’t for another 60 miles.
1:17pm – I have to pee.
1:38pm – Rest Stop #3. Bay of St. Louis, Mississippi. We think. Sketchy is all we can say.
2:33pm – Cross Alabama border. I rolled down my window and yell, “Roll Tide! Number 44 forever!” (Do you get the reference?)
3:12pm – I take over driving.
3:36pm – “Welcome to Florida! Home of Tim “JC” Tebow”
3:50-5:20pm – Blurry. Lots of arguing and yelling.
5:40pm – Arrive at room.
5:53pm – Beverage made. Blog posted.