Family Time

4:15am – Mom comes into room and wakes me up with “Baby, you need to wake up.”

4:30am – Dad comes into room and yells, “Get up.”

4:32am – Dad comes into room and yells, “Get up.” and turns the light on. I pull cover over eyes.

4:33am – Dad comes into room and yells, “Get up.” and pulls covers off me. I put pillow over face.

4:36am – Dad comes into room and elbow drops onto my chest. I’m out of bed.

4:45am – I come to the realization that it’s 0445 and begin my complaining.

5:18am – Mom and Dad argue on whether or not Dad has time to shave. His argument: “We’re WAY ahead of schedule.”

5:50am – Hit the road.

5:53am – Dad and I have to switch spots because he can’t lean his chair back.

6:02am – Dad requests we play “Running with the Devil” because he told the story of when he was leaving Odessa, Texas when he heard the song….for the millionth time.

6:05am – Mom and Dad argue on how to drive.

6:18am – I do an interpretive dance to “Stairway to Heaven” in the back seat. Dad shakes head of disapproval.

7:03am – First rest stop. Dad thinks his knee is about to give out and thinks he needs a walker. Mom rushes him to go to the bathroom to get back on road. That leads to Dad asking “Why are we in such a big rush?”

7:11am – Dad starts the “Are we there yet?” every 5 seconds bit.

7:42am – Mom: “This guy is going slow just to be an ass. I can look at him and tell.”

7:58am – I realize my feet are cold because the air is blowing on my feet and not my face.

8:30am – Mom is surprised that I know words to country songs.

9:12am – Dad starts snoring in car. Mom pokes him to stop. Dad jumps up like something is wrong, realizes nothing is wrong, gives a dirty look to Mom, plops back down in chair.

9:13am – Dad continues snoring.

9:28am – Cross Texas-Louisiana border.
Mom: “Ugh. Louisiana.”
Dad: “We better stop to do some gambling.”

9:46am – Dad makes the observation that Freddie Mercury wrote a song about women with large derrières when he preferred men.

10:15am – Rest stop #2. Iowa, Louisiana. Eat McDonald’s. Mom complains on how cold it is in there.

11:03am – Mom sings “Brick House”

11:18am – Cross the swamps. “Schootim! Schootim!”

11:20am – Had dejavu about writing about crossing the swamps.

11:49am – Awoken from a nap to see us cross the Mississippi River into Baton Rogue only to say “Piss on Baton Rogue, LSU, and Les Miles. Gig em.”

12:12pm – Dad starts dancing to “Love Done Gone”

12:13pm – I make up a story that Billy Currington is a liberal and the dancing stops.

12:52pm – Mom and I list out all the things Dad doesn’t like to eat. The list includes: peanut butter, corn nuts, bugles, and whoppers.

1:03pm – Entire car breaks out and sings “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”

1:10pm – Smells like fish poop in the car.

1:16pm – Mom misses rest stop. Dad says that next rest stop isn’t for another 60 miles.

1:17pm – I have to pee.

1:38pm – Rest Stop #3. Bay of St. Louis, Mississippi. We think. Sketchy is all we can say.

2:33pm – Cross Alabama border. I rolled down my window and yell, “Roll Tide! Number 44 forever!” (Do you get the reference?)

3:12pm – I take over driving.

3:36pm – “Welcome to Florida! Home of Tim “JC” Tebow”

3:50-5:20pm – Blurry. Lots of arguing and yelling.

5:40pm – Arrive at room.

5:53pm – Beverage made. Blog posted.


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