Hell is…

Do you know what Hell is? Let me tell you something, Hell is more than a place of suffering and punishment in the afterlife. More than fire and brimstone and a man without a golden fiddle who wanders around in Georgia looking to steal some souls, it’s those moments in life that that make you say, “Hell would be comforting.”

I have a lot of these moments in my life. Well, I guess that’s where the saying “a living hell,” comes from. Hmm… I get it now. My life is a living hell.

I jest. It’s not hell, more like awkward. I bet that’s what hell is like. Satan just puts you in awkward moments for the rest of eternity. So I have thought about a few of the times that I’ve thought that “This is probably what will happen to me if I went to Hell.”

Hell is…

  • Pouring milk into a bowl before the cereal.
  • Showing up to a house party dressed up.
  • Everyone you know has nothing to do and wants you to hang out with them, BUT you have a project that’s due tomorrow.
  • Going to work with two different shoes on all day.
  • Anatomy 320 during the summer.
  • Realizing no matter how much sleep you get, you’re going to be tired the next day.
  • Getting into a shower with no shampoo, soap, washrag, or towel and then having to make that awkward mad dash to find these items while dripping wet.
  • Saying that you’re going to win not 6, not 7, not 8 championships, and then losing when you have the opportunity to win your FIRST championship.
  • Making a girl think that you’re staring at her chest when you’re trying just trying to read her shirt.
  • Smelling good food being cooked by your mom, go into kitchen and she’s cooking something you hate.
  • It’s driving through town getting pulled over and trying to explain to the officer why you have a cup of another man’s urine with you.
  • Writing a witty status expecting comments and likes on it. Reality: 1 like, 1 comment saying “That’s dumb.”
  • Going to use the restroom and then seeing there is no toilet paper.
  • Having your toaster set on “4” it comes out stale then turning it up higher than “4” and it’s burnt to a crisp.
  • The nanometer between scalding hot water and ice cold water in the shower.
  • Getting Rick Rolled. “Never gonna give you up…”
  • Someone adding you on Facebook just so they can delete you.
  • Sitting at home all day with nothing to do while all your friends are back at college having fun…without you.
  • That week where all your professors seem to plan all your exams on back to back to back days.
  • The day after drinking Schlitz.
  • The person you hate has everything going for them.
  • Someone writes a status that makes you think “That’s dumb.” Reality: 36478524 likes, 2436508927347 comments pretty much saying “That’s so funny.”
  • Showing a video on YouTube that you think is hilarious, no one thinks it’s funny.
  • Talking to a cute girl in class only to find out she has a boyfriend…that’s rich, jacked, drives a cool car, and is 100 times cooler than you’ll ever be. (Swing and a miss for Jaybird.)
  • Using up all you’re skips on Pandora and they keep playing terrible songs no matter what radio station you play.
  • Hearing someone tell the joke that you told them earlier and then taking all the credit for it.
  • Microbiology with Dr. Siegle at Texas A&M.
  • The first bite into a Hot Pocket that burns your tongue.
  • …the second bite is frozen solid.
  • The moments after eating said Hot Pocket.
  • Showing up to a movie that you have to “think” through and you miss the first five minutes and lost the whole time.
  • Being part of the only two upper classman on an event that happens on campus with a bunch of freshman.
  • Second deck. Row 38. (Aggies should know this.)
  • Working the hallway at a nursing home that has more than one person that is on a stool softener/laxative.
  • Losing your contact lens during your 8am class and you have to be on campus until 5pm.
  • Being choked while driving at night.
  • Setting a goal to read a book in the summer…and failing miserably.
  • Watching Barefoot Contessa.
  • Having sunburn on your forehead.
  • How scrambled our TV is from DirecTV during our favorite show.
  • Peeling from sunburn.
  • Biochemistry.
  • No more bacon.
  • Not wearing lime goggles.
  • That fear that snakes and spiders have covered the floor to your bathroom and you have to pee.
  • Passing the rest stop and having to pee 3 miles after it.
  • Ordering a burger with everything on it and getting it dry.
  • Being chopped.
  • Living in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. (Think about that one.)
  • Drought in Texas.
  • Playing in the Houston Astros organization. (Triple-A team quality.)
  • Traffic in general. (Small town kid.)
  • Being hungry, having a kitchen full of food, and nothing looks good.
  • What the Aggies are gonna beat out of you. (Gig ‘em! Watch out ponies.)
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