I watched Breaking Dawn Part 1 the other day. With my girlfriend of course. I wouldn’t watch them on my own will. I was forced. I can’t stress this enough: I did NOT watch this movie alone.
Anyway, we started watching the movie and right off the bat, I’m lost. People are walking around and carrying stuff and this guy changed into a wolf and ran off into the woods. So I paused the movie there to get caught up, vampire guy is marrying the expressionless girl.
So the day before the wedding the girl has a dream and she killed all these people and is all bloody and apparently she has to be a vampire before this cult of more vampires come back.
The wedding comes and I noticed that all the vampire people are all pasty white. I get that part, vampires are pasty because they don’t have any blood in them, but this was ridiculous. You could tell they all had makeup on. Anyway the vampire guy said something and my girlfriend started “getting misty” and said she started crying in the book at this part.
So some more stuff happens and the wolf guy comes back and the girl tells him she wants to be a vampire and the wolf guy says it’s stupid because she’ll die. Wolf guy runs away and vampire and girl leave for the honeymoon.
They go to some island outside of Rio. So they go for a dip then go into the bedroom for some wild romping that eventually broke the bed.
Paused it here because my girlfriend told me explicit things that they did in this part of the book. Only thing I can picture is these two people doing those things and it isn’t pretty.
So the next morning Vampiro tells Sheeba they can’t do what they did anymore because he’s afraid he’ll kill her or something. Then they go into a montage of her dropping hints at she doesn’t care what happens.
One morning she wakes up and Vampiro is gone so she make breakfast of fried chicken and she eats peanut butter while she does it. Pause: “Those don’t go together. This girl has bad taste or is on dope.”
So Sheeba starts throwing up and it turns out she’s pregnant but it can’t be right because she’s a human and he’s a vampire.
They go back to Washington which is sad because as a Ranger fan, I know that the Mariners suck at baseball. Well Wolfie hears that Sheeba is pregnant and he’s mad about it. Some contract is broken and all these other wolf people are pissed about it. They say they’re going to kill Sheeba or the baby or whatever. So they’re planning on doing that then Wolfie says he’s not going to be a part of this and goes back to protect Sheeba and the Vampiro family.
Sheeba is dying because of the demon baby and they can’t figure out what to do until someone suggests she drinks blood. They mix up a milkshake of it and she drinks it and she’s not dying anymore. Pause: vomits “There’s no way that would work in real life.”
The wolf people are planning an attack to kill everyone which is the same day the baby is being delivered and some Wolfie tricks the other wolves to something and I don’t know what’s going on, I’m dozing at this point.
Well as she goes into labor the devil baby breaks her back and they set her up on the table to give her a C-section, and I notice that they’re cutting into her stomach and at an angle. This movie isn’t medically accurate at all.
So the baby is delivered and as Sheeba is bleeding out and they inject her with venom which I don’t get at all because they’re vampires, not snakes.
Pause: My girlfriend and I go into a discussion (aka an argument) over what vampires can do. She thinks they sparkle and inject venom and live in Washington state. They can fall in love and die just like anyone else. They can run and jump really far and fast and are super strong. She said that is was more believable than Dracula.
I said that Bram Stoker is rolling over in his grave as we speak knowing that a vampire can be out in the sunlight and sparkle like a hippie. They’re not suppose to see their reflection in a mirror, they all turn into a bats, they suck the blood of their victims at night, they are repulsed by garlic and the Cross, and the only way you can kill on is with a wooden stake through their heart. Van Helsing would have shot all these fruits within the first 20 minutes of the first movie and would have rolled credits. I followed up with this movie is bogus, Stephanie Meyer is a terrible writer and a joke, and these people cannot act worth a darn.
Anyway… We un-pause the movie.
Sheeba died and all the wolf people are happy, but they still need to kill the baby. Wolfie volunteers to do it himself and somehow falls in love with the baby like 20 minutes after it’s born and he can’t help that he did that or some crap along those lines and it’s some wolf people law that they can’t kill people another wolf love or something.
Sheeba is still dead and they’re getting ready for her funeral until they show her eyes and they open and it goes black. Roll credits.
I still don’t know what’s going on, but my girlfriend knows EXACTLY what’s going on. I watched Inception and knew what was going on better than this. What the heck?
That’s another point. How can my girlfriend watch this and understand it, but not understand Inception. I’m baffled.
She better not make me see Part 2 or so help me God I’ll go insane.