Funny Things My Roommate Says

So my roommate isn’t the funniest guy in the world (I am), but he does say some funny things from time to time. Here’s a few of them.

“I don’t like char on any kind of meat, but I’d burn the hell out of everything so I won’t die of rabies or whatever they got in the jungles over there.” – while watching Man vs. Wild

“Ginger-haired wizard bastard!” – when referring to the Red Rocket

“Lesbians are always nice………until you steal their softball.”

“Who in the heck owns a Chinese parade dragon?”

“I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, but I’ve got Functional Fungal Genomics today so I’ll catch up there.”

“That girl right there can wear tights all she wants with a booty like that. I don’t care what you think about sorority girls.”

“Well hey there snug britches.” – putting jeans on out of the dryer

“Not the head you’re thinking about.” – after a referee asked him if he got kicked in the head

Everybody Loves Raymond got a lot funnier since we’ve grown up.”

“I’m not picking that kid. He’s got a crappy glove. Crappy glove means no family life. No family means no one ever played catch with with him. Not playing catch means he has no arm!” – at a little league baseball draft

“Gerald (his dad) is buying this case of beer…..and this candy bar.”

“Kia just announced a manual transmission car with no clutch. The Kia LeBron.”

“Sitting in population genetics with questions being posed about evolution and in-breeding and the most perplexing thing is the tips at work…”

“Don’t ever fool with fast women or slow horses!”

“I have this thing about Houston…..and not going there….”

“She looks like she was sprayed by the Home Depot truck.”

“I’m gonna go to Rosa’s just so I can say I ate dinner with a girl.”

“I don’t understand how girls can’t play video games. They’re not that hard, but somehow they make it look like they’re trying to do rocket surgery.”

“If she’s a classless slutty girl, why are you trying to set me up with her?”

“A stoop? What is this Hey Arnold?”

“You don’t believe in condoms and the law.”

“I’ll take the zero.” – in reference to homework

“I think my Population Genetics professor is suicidal. He’s from Seattle and talks about people killing themselves all the time.”

“I feel like I should be escorting a beautiful lady down these stairs.”

“Oh heck yeah! I recorded Swamp People and I didn’t even know I did!”

“Cool Hurley shirt, brah.”

“I’m just gonna sit here in the back and play Family Feud on my phone.”

“Yeah I’ll run with y’all. What time are you getting up? At 6?! In the morning?! Yeah I’ll be busy sleeping.”

“Charlie Sheen can out-coke anyone.”

“Because your class blows.” – after a professor asked why everyone was falling asleep in class

“I don’t care if I made [that girl] cry. Her clothes were ugly and I just her told her ‘what I thought.’ If she didn’t want to know, she didn’t need to ask me.”

“Pickle shots? No thanks. I don’t like pickles and wasting money.”

“You broke up with her? About time.”

“….and that guy is wearing jorts.”

“I’m sad that we broke up, but I like the free time that I have now.”

“Tell Meg (my girlfriend) to come over and make some more cookies.”

“Shorts and a trench coat to a baseball game? *snaps fingers* That’s what I forgot. My sense of fashion.”

“You wrote a blog about me? You must be desperate.”


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