I try to be healthy, but lately it’s been really hard. I keep telling myself that I’m going to get up in the morning and go for a run, but while Mila Kunis and I are counting all our trillions of dollars we have on our yacht and she’s in this skimpy bathing suit and she leans over and kisses me and it’s deep and passionately and I drop the money and I’m kissing her back and wrap my arms around her…my alarm goes off and I wake up. Oh there’s no way I’m running after my alarm ruined my dream, then I fall back asleep.
I’ve been giving into my weakness of sugary cereals. I’ll go buy a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at 3 in the afternoon and that box isn’t going to make it to 10:00am because it’s like crack to me. You know you don’t buy crack for some point in the future; you buy it when you want it and you fall asleep in the tub.
I try to go to the gym and impress women, but that seems counterproductive because they can see me bench-pressing 65 pounds and I don’t think they’re saying “Check out the guy struggling over there. I saw him do one chin-up and fall on the ground. That is so hot!”
…crap I’m out of milk…