The Jeff Ralston Rubber Snake Incident

When I was a kid, I’d go over and hang out at my friend Matt’s house. We did all sorts of things. Played basketball, played video games, but mostly we got picked on by his older brother, Jeff.

Jeff was a beast back in the day. He was this giant built of muscle and hatred of little kids. We always tried to beat him in something or get back at him, but he was way too smart and way too big for two 8 year old kids to handle.

One day I was over at Matt’s playing video games and Jeff comes home. He said it was his turn to play. We both said it wasn’t, but he pushed us both out of the way and started playing. Suddenly I saw something snap in Matt’s head. He got this crazy look in his eye. He had had enough of Jeff pushing him around and he did the unthinkable, he punched Jeff right in the ear!

All in one motion, Jeff dropped the controller, grabbed Matt and put him in the Figure Four Leg-lock. Screams are heard throughout the house from the pain that Jeff is putting on his little brother’s legs. Thinking quickly I grabbed the only thing I thought would loosen his hold: a rubber snake.

I started whipping him like a crazed animal. I went as fast as my arm would allow me. Let him go, Jeff! He wouldn’t let go so I kept whipping on him, hoping that he would stop.

He didn’t stop. He grabbed my legs and put me in a Figure Four with his arms! We were doomed. There was no way out. Our legs were going to be broken and Jeff would leave us there to die a slow, painful, leg-lock related death.

Then their mom came home. “Jeff I don’t know what you’re doing, but you need to let them both go!”

“But Mom he was hitting me with a damn rubber snake!” he pleaded.

“But nothing! Let them go and come in here!”

She proceeded to give Jeff the butt chewing that would go down in the history books. We think he was crying after it all.

He never messed with us after that.

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