A friend of mine asked me to go to Chipotle the other day with the phrase, “It’s as good as Freebirds.” For the readers that don’t know what I’m talking about, Chipotle and Freebirds are built-your-own-burrito places. They’re like Subway with tortillas. Anyway, I was hungry and went with him.
We walk through the line and they start building our burritos. Now Chipotle’s mission statement is to use more organic foods and naturally raised meat than any other restaurant. “Food with integrity.” Well that’s cool I thought to myself, but I noticed that they only have one size burrito. They fill my burrito with what looked like 90 pounds of lime cilantro (not Spanish rice which isn’t even an option) and two of the tiniest pieces of white chicken (White meat only. None of the good thigh meat that’s bad for you. Not that I would get that, but the thought of it not being available. I digress.), and then they charge me out the butt for the baby sized burrito that’s full of a side dish! Apparently, “organic” is a Chipotle term for “expensive.”
I sit down and unwrap the burrito full of lies. Rice bite. Rice bite. Rice bite. Chicken! Ew. This chicken wasn’t ready to be eaten. Just so you know organic chicken is awful. I was livid.
I look up and saw that they sell shirts that are all white with a picture of a burrito on it. Plain white shirt. Burrito picture. Who the heck is buying this shirt? I hope there isn’t a guy standing in Chipotle thinking, “You know, I like that shirt with a burrito on it. It would look great with my taquito pants and my enchilada hat!” The question, though, isn’t of what guy would wear that. The question is what girl in their right mind would be caught dead with a guy wearing a Chipotle burrito shirt.
As we finish up eating, my friend looks up at me and asked me what I thought, “As good or better than Freebirds?”
“This place sucks. I got a burrito that is made for a small child my burrito was filled with nothing but cilantro lime crap rice, AND I had to pay for it. You’ve done nothing but waste my time that I can’t get back and money in which you’re going to pay me back right now because my stomach is filled with organic garbage that not only tastes awful, but is sickening. This food has made me sick and makes me want to stick my finger down my throat, but then I’d have to taste it twice. That has to be the biggest double whammy in the world. I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I want to punch you square in the face for even thinking about comparing this hellhole of a restaurant to Freebirds. Good day to you and may God have mercy on your soul,” I thought to myself.
What I actually said was, “This place sucks.”
I walked out and haven’t been back since.
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