My closest friend from high school is having a baby, and yes, I am aware of what I said about people having babies, but she is a sweet girl and I can make an exception. She asked me if I would come by and hold the baby. I told her she was a bad mom already. You have to train to be a waiter at Cotton Patch for two weeks, and you’re just going to hand your baby over to me? I didn’t read a pamphlet or a book about keeping a baby. The only thing I know about babies is that you shouldn’t shake them or feed them chocolate and I think the last one is for dogs. I’ve always been afraid of babies because they’re so small and squishy. I don’t want to be holding the baby and then the baby just dies. Everyone will be like, “Jay killed the baby.” Then there’s no way I’m getting a Christmas present after that. What do we get Jay? Jay killed the baby. Jay’s not getting anything. If I ever want to adopt a baby and they ask, “Have you ever killed a baby?” Yeah, one. Long story. Then they’ll be like, “Whoa, really? That was just a standard question. No one has ever answered that. In the affirmative, we don’t know what to do.” Then the paper just explodes.
I had to keep the kids in the church nursery once. Surprise, surprise, it went horribly. It was me and this other girl playing games with the kids in the gym in the church and one of the kids said he wanted to play “rocket ship.” So I picked him up and was throwing him. The gym ceiling is pretty high up. I mean it is at least 30 feet high and this kid is getting some air because I’m throwing him as hard as I can. He’s laughing; having the time of his life, this day was the best day of his life. Then we had to go back to the nursery room, and this is when things went wrong. The ceiling is 10 feet tall in the nursery and I’m throwing this child as hard as I can. I threw him and he came back quicker than I thought. Oh wow. You are back way too soon. I look up and there’s a dent in the ceiling where his head hit. Naturally, he started crying and I did the Christ-like thing and bolted out of there. As I was driving away from church, I was thinking about all the damage that child got from me playing “rocket ship” with him. He probably can’t see red or taste pepperoni. What is the color of this disk?
I was dating a girl that was talking about having kids two weeks into our relationship, which was exciting because we had to break up. I have no problem having children, but when you’re 19 and a sophomore in college with no job and barely enough education, you learn that this girl is psycho and you need to run away. I did. It was only after 4308927534 creepy voicemails and stalker text messages and one changed phone number later that I finally got her to stop.