A Complete Guide to Getting the Girl

As the first female blogger on Jaybird is the Word, I thought it was only appropriate to begin with a complete “How to Get the Girl” list. Lets face it, in the grand scheme of things–guys are girl-stupid and I feel like I need to do my civil duty and let every guy out there know a few fool-proof ways to score. No, not that kind of score… well, maybe–ok, probably that kind of score.

  1. Girls dig puppies. We pretty much love anything with lots of fur and bad breath… Unless your David Hasselhoff. We all hate David Hasselhoff. (If you’re reading this, Hoffinator–sorry we’re not sorry.)
  2. All guys look better when: (a) We’re drunk, (b) We need a date to one of the 1000000 weddings we attend yearly, or (c) We’re alone stranded on a desert island. Find a girl in one of the prior mentioned situations, and you’ve got putty in your hands.
  3. Girls like guys who stand up for what they believe in. So take your stand, boys. Advocate for gender equality, gay rights, living a healthy lifestyle, and all that other equal-opportunity bull $#!%. Oh wait… that’s what girls believe in. Nevermind. Go back to scratching your nether-regions, and ignoring the fact that you hate all of those things.
  4.  Ever heard the saying “Nice guys finish last?” Well, only if you’re genuinely nice. But good news–Act like a Grade A d-bag and the girls will fall all over you. Fake it til you make it, boys!
  5. And last, but definitely not least… if finding a nice young thing doesn’t seem to be working for you, there are always cougars.

Peace, Poke, Don’t Sniff that Coke. This has been a message brought to you by:

Mellow Jello (because no one likes High-Strung Jello)

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