Beards for America

The Rocket and I were watching Duck Dynasty the other day, and we have come to the conclusion that we will be growing out our hair and getting beards. I mean, look at these people.

Bearded Goodness

Oh, sweet mercy, those are nasty.

Those beards are 100% nasty. And look at the hottie on the end. Good Lord have mercy she is attractive. Yeah, she may be in for the money, but she has to put up with the beard. Conclusion: The Red Rocket and Jaybird are getting beards and long hair.

I know how girls feel about facial hair, they hate it. How could they hate it? I tell you what’s wrong with this world; people are too into “metrosexual” way of life. Men are shaving their chests and arms and legs and women are attracted to this. What the heck? That’s not cool. Men are pretty much saying, “I want to look like a woman so women will like me.” When did we go back to the 80’s?

Men are supposed to have hair. To quote my close friend and fellow JBITW blogger, Cecil (who has a man beard), “The [ladies] love the ‘taco meat’ a man has on his chest.”

I couldn’t agree with him more. Men have become pampered little girls. Shaving stuff that doesn’t need to be shaved, drinking fruity rum drinks, and crying about girlfriends hanging out with other guys. Well I’m tired of it! The Y chromosome is starting to turn into an X chromosome. Fate has decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin’s grave as a generation of salty war veterans gives way to a generation of scarf-wearing metros.

Guys aren’t manly anymore. No hair on their bodies. No dirt under their fingernails. Not a single shred of man left in their manicured bodies. My grandfather is rolling over in his grave right now knowing that some punk with a fohawk and a teacup yorkie is ordering some pumpkin vanilla bean half caff decaf skinny frappe wiener drink instead of one of the only two drinks a man should be drinking: whiskey or an icy, cold beer.

So, to stop this growth of metros in the world, Rocket and I have decided to grow beards. Dirty, nasty, back wood hillbilly beards. We know that we will be going against the grain of what society and Cosmo says, but we are men. We refuse to sit down and let smooth people run the show. No more we say! Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral! We’ve got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and dirty, nasty beards.

You’re welcome, America.


2 responses to “Beards for America

    • That just means he’s oozing so much manliness that it has to go to his ears.

      Actually, no. He’s got ear hair. That’s kinda sorta gross. It’s like an enchanted forest.


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