Letter to Future Mrs. Jaybird

Dear Potential Future Wife,

Wherever you are out there, I just want you to know that I love you more than anything. You are my everything. You are the jelly to my peanut butter, the SEC of every girl in the world, the perfect girl for me.

That being said, after the events that happened to me at work today I expect our children to:

1. Be bathed and presentable
2. Have manners/not back talk
3. Understand that there are two people they should fear: God and me
4. Not touch everything in the doctor’s office
5. See Rule 3

If you could help me set this groundwork on our children’s development, we will have outstanding citizens in the community, and people won’t have the urge to doe-pop them in public. I won’t have any of this hippie free love “let the kids express themselves” crap in my house. That’s what’s wrong with people today, they don’t discipline their kids. I got spanked in public and I turned out just fine.

I love you,


PS – Wouldn’t hate a sandwich once in a while. Turkey on whole wheat, lettuce, tomato, and easy on the mustard. You’re a doll.


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