Things I’ve Learned in Nursing School

If you have been a follower of the blog and you haven’t left yet, (1) thank you for believing in me and my writing, (2) I really hope you’re not some creepy stalker, (3) are a creepy stalker?, (4) are you not my mother?, (5) hello, mother. No, I didn’t eat a sandwich. Yes, that weird rash in my groin has clear…

…I’ve said too much.

Anyway, one of the first blogs I posted was about things I’ve learned in college. Well, this post is a remix of things I’ve learned in my first semester of nursing school.

Warning: I’m pretty funny.

Day 1: you have a really positive attitude about school and life.
Day 2:
You’ll quickly diagnose yourself with hypocalemia and hypercalemia within 38 seconds of learning about them.
People will call you to ask them for medical advice to which you reply, “Have you seen a doctor?”
When people don’t wash their hands the way you wash them…
The silver bullet will kick you square in the ass if you’re not careful.
You don’t realize how quickly you become addicted to caffeine.
You get jealous of people who have seen decubitus ulcers and you’re not sure why. (Warning: the link is pretty sick.)
When you hear the phrase, “I totally understand what you’re going through,” and they haven’t been through it, you really hate them.
When people say, “Nursing is so easy. Being a doctor is hard.” you have this urge to beat them to a bloody pulp.
You wish someone would be a bloody pulp so you can practice wound care.
Not 100% cool to ask someone in line at Freebirds on when their last BM was.
Always have gloves in your pocket.
Hospital corners. That’s how you make your bed until you die.
You learn really quickly on the smell that makes you gag the most. Mine? Stagnant vomit.
Accept the fact that your uniform for school make you look like a complete dork.
The answer on the test is always the one thing that you think is completely wrong.
I have called myself the “Indiana Jones of catheter insertion.”
The phrase “It’s a good learning experience,” is code for “you’re gonna have a bad time.”
Dosage calculations suck, but you secretly hope you have a test of nothing but them so you can “have it easy.
As a man, you think it’s really great being around chicks all the time. Nah. Nothing but make-up and period talk.
I make this face when I hear the latter part.
You will think of anything to get out of a test including defecating your pants in the middle of the test.
You only forget to put the bedpan under the patient once.
You never forget your most awkward bed bath.
Nick Offerman is the embodiment of what every American man should be. Yeah, I’d have a beer, steak, cigar, and a nice scotch while watching college football and listening to National Anthem on a loop. (I’ve been watching a lot of Parks and Recreation.)
Johnny Manziel gets thrown under the bus for getting arrested. Jameis Winston has his name attached to sexual assault case…nothing happens. Has nothing to do with nursing school, but that’s (to quote Dr. Lovelace) “for the birds.”
Book says one thing. Professor says another thing. They’re both right.
It’s alright to tell the patient that you don’t know something, but you’ll ask someone who does know and you’ll get back with them.
It is not okay to tell your professor that you don’t know something, but you’ll ask someone who does know and you’ll get back with them.
Act like you’ve done something thousands of times (even if you’ve never done it) as to avoid scaring the patient.
In college: sleep, good grades, social life. Pick two. In nursing school: pick one.
Nursing school, where C is the new A.
Ducks fly together. Quack.
Care plan: two words that make you want to jump in front of a train.
I can’t believe that I’ve had to say to people that the hospital is not like Grey’s Anatomy.
I really hope that there are some people in the medical profession who feel sorry for Henry Gray (and not because he died of smallpox).
You’re always losing your pen.
Hardest part when treating a patient, keeping a straight face when they show or tell you something gross.
“You better be on your deathbed if you miss a clinical day.” – Forsberg
Patients’ needs outweigh your own needs…even if #40 is happening.
You will cry until you’re dehydrated at least once.
Nursing school friends have a special kind of relationship, like a “I’ll spread the ass cheeks and you wipe” kind of relationship.
You’re snobby as hell to people who want antibiotics for a cold.
Adverse effects – something the professors expect you to know when they themselves don’t even know them.
Never answer the question “Are you busy?” with “No.”
Never volunteer yourself.
That being said, always volunteer yourself. (Yes, you need to know when to be gung-ho.)
You’ll quickly learn that cultural diversity is essential to quality, well-rounded, holistic nursing practice, but you hate cultural presentation day because it’s sooooooooooooooo booooooooooorrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggg……….
Sterile fields can be compared to the Holy Land.
“How’s nursing school?” Acceptable answers: hard, *breakdown into uncontrollable crying*, *big pull of Jack Daniels*, or it’s going ok.
People will come up to you and complain about how to do your job or how other nurses have done their job and then follow that up with how they would do it…..with no medical experience. Oh, you want to tell me how to do my extremely difficult job and you have no idea what you’re talking about? Why don’t you have a big, warm glass of shut the hell up?
The one thing that will be perfected (if it hasn’t been already) in nursing school: the nap.
Deal with things how they are, not how they ought to be.
No one cares about how much you know; they only want to know how much you care.