Ladies and gentlemen of the internet: I have some important news about one of the biggest lies in our country. No, it isn’t the fact that Obama isn’t an American born citizen that’s lying to the great American people. No, it isn’t the fact that the Denver Airport is a premade concentration camp that’s going to be used after the New World Order takes over. No, it isn’t the fact that no one knows how Jello works. It’s bigger than that. Way bigger. It is the fact that a “value pack” of 16 Pop Tarts only has 8 packages.
I know that the “serving size” says 1 pastry, but who in the hell only eats 1 pastry? I’ll tell you, Communists. Let’s face it; a “serving size” of Pop Tarts isn’t one measly pastry. It’s a package of both pastries.
You can’t just eat one Pop Tart. Eating one Pop Tart is a lot like slapping freedom and Jesus in the face. It simply cannot be done. I’ve put together a short list of things that you can’t eat one of:
- Reese’s peanut butter cups
- Lay’s potato chips
- French fries
- Delma’s tamales
- Cambodian babies
I could go on for days, but will spare you.
I know that I’ve gone off on a rage before about Pop Tarts before, but this is a serious argument. Say this phrase out loud: I’m going to eat one Pop Tart. It doesn’t feel right! You know why? Because eating one Pop Tart cannot be done by a sane person. If Kellogg’s wanted people to have one damn Pop Tart, why did they put two into a package?
Here are some quotes from people I work with on the whole Pop Tarts:
“That’s the dumbest thing ever. Don’t put two Pop Tarts in the package unless you don’t want us to eat both of them.” – Christine, volunteer
“I’ve eaten an entire box of doughnuts in one sitting. I would never eat one Pop Tart. I fought for this country and ain’t nobody going to tell me to eat one damn Pop Tart. And if I want it smothered in butter, I’m going to do it. By the way, I’ve done it. It’s awesome. ‘Murica.” – Topher, American hero
“One Pop Tart? What’s that the serving size for? A bird? How am I supposed to keep the other one fresh?” – Rooster Martinez, Merry Mexican
“There’s an option to eat just one?” – Amy B, secretary
“¿Qué es Pop Tart?” – Random patient
“Nah!” – Dr. Sissney, DO (when asked if he could eat only one)
“Hey Jay, could we get a flu swab in room 4?” – Dr. Greiner, MD
Doctors recommend that you eat two. Doctors, not some hippy, acid tripping nutritionist, are telling you to eat both Pop Tarts. A serving size should be 1 package, not 1 pastry. So let’s band together and tell Kellogg’s that they need to change their damn serving size to 1 package because only Communists eat one pastry, and as long as the serving size is one pastry, they’re letting the terrorists win. You own me 4 more Jaybird serving sizes of Pop Tarts, Kellogg’s.