While I was at lunch with some friends, we came to the conclusion that William Shakespeare was indeed a redneck. So we wrote this together, but I’m taking all the credit…Shakespeare style.
Kidding. Thanks a lot CJ and T.
- He made up words. Some the most commonly used words today are in fact words that Shakespeare made up himself. Some of these words include none of those sissy words like tofu, gelato, or liberal. Real, true redneck vocabulary words like scuffle, puke, and addiction. Your move Foxworthy.
- He had a shotgun wedding. Anne Hathaway was 26. Bill was 18. They got married and 6 months later, a baby was born. Now, I’m not an expert on babies, but it takes 9 months to make a baby, and that would mean… *chomp, chomp* Comere you som’bitch and murry my daughter.
- He had a mullet. There were no mirrors in those days, so he had no idea how badass he was. It was obvious to others though, and from his example, the only haircut that made Billy Ray Cyrus a damn was born.
- He had no teeth. “Tis better to have had the teeth to chew than to never have chewed at all.” To be honest with you, he didn’t need teeth to chew “tabacky” and drink heavily. They were unneeded so they disappeared. Along with him…
- He “skipped town” because he had a record. Ol’ Billy pretty much said “to hell with it” and left town between 1585 and 1592 for making death threats to people. What redneck hasn’t had a few too many (if there is such a thing) and made death threats to people?
- He didn’t know how to spell. He was illiterate. He didn’t write anything down. He thought that his plays should be performed, not written down. It is probably because his “writings” were like this.
- He chewed “tabacky.” Refer to #4. He was a man. A redneck man at that. Any questions? If so, take your discontent, critical self to the bedroom and drug yourself into tranquility. FYI, he also coined discontent, critical, bedroom, and tranquility.
- He lived in a bar. This makes him a hero to us all. In fact, paying the “bill” at a bar is called settling a tab because no one could top ol’ Billy Shakespeare. He wrote a tragedy, then would solve his problems the redneck way: gettin’ drunk.
- He had a huge family. What else was there to do in 1564 other than procreate? Nothing. He had seven brothers and sisters. Joan, Margaret, Gilbert, Joan II, Anne, Richard, and Edmund. He had two sisters that had the same name. You know who does that? Rednecks, George Forman, and these guys.
They probably helped out with the sets. Rednecks can build anything. It may not be pretty, but that dog will hunt.
- His father was a drunk. His dad actually was paid to drink. What redneck wouldn’t love that? Bill was raise by a man that molded the original redneck. Where do you think Bill got his alcohol tolerance from? His ol’ man. Bill probably got his poor decision making skills from his father too because…
- …his parents were cousins. Where else did you expect to find the origin from the first redneck? Some diverse gene pool? Nah. He came into this world the same way a lot of rednecks have come into this world…good old-fashioned incest. May explain numbers 1-10.