Things That I Learned in OB/Peds This Semester

I’ve made lists like this for a long time. I’ve even done one for nursing school, but this one is different because it’s about the crap class that is OB/Peds. As a man, I already knew that I wasn’t going to be an OB or pediatric nurse. Why would I want to mix business with pleasure? Am I right, fellas?

1. Massage the fundus.
2. I like boobs.
3. It takes 3 people to put in a catheter on a lady that weighs 400+ pounds.
4. I’m really good at swaddling a baby. They are like little baby burritos.
5. How to not fumble a football: high and tight.
6. How to not fumble a baby: high and tight.
7. No matter how many times you explain to your professors that you aren’t going to drop the baby, they don’t like when you say that you took a nap with a baby while on the clock in the NICU.
8. My paranoia has not been resolved because now I think that my future child will have every problem in the world.
9. Most awkward thing in the world? Breast feeding lecture day. I understand it’s natural, but we had women whip their upper torso regions out in front of us and we watched them feed their kids. Also the picture below happened. Retraction of statement #2.
   

   Yes, that is a puppet and a fake boob.

10. Massage the fundus.
11. Coloring and story time are not on the final exam…who knew?
    

    Seriously, we spent an entire lecture coloring.

12. LD nurses don’t want any male students there.
13. Nazis are still present and they are your professors.
14. Half the time I feel like this:
15. Laughing in your professor’s face is not acceptable.
16. “The book is full of great material” is the biggest lie in the world.
17. Why have you not massaged the fundus yet?
18. Not acceptable to crawl into a bed on the pediatric floor and start watching Finding Nemo.
19. Playing with a pregnant woman’s nipples can induce labor. Not really funny, but it’s great to learn.
20. There is a mannequin that can deliver a baby. No lie. Totally sick.
21. No matter how much you study, whatever the professor put on the test isn’t what you studied.
22. I’m slowly understanding why people stop and have a beer after work because of OB/Peds.
23. I’m slowly understanding why parents drink because of their kids.
24. I don’t know if I should be grossed out or excited that I saw a baby being born.
    

    Kidding. I was only grossed out.

25. The running joke I’m trying to establish here is that we only learned one legit thing and that is to massage the fundus.
26. Lynsey Grissom has a pacemaker and she can’t bring it into an exam.
27. There’s only one perfect parent out there.
    

    You only need your grade 10 to be a good parent.